I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
im having a threesome with these popsicles
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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