so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
