It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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