No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
