This is the prime rib incident all over again
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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