I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
