She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
