I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I could fuck to npr.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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