You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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