You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
