speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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