Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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