i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
