3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
