Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
