Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
