He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
