he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
