He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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