I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
