Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize