i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize