I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize