im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
