I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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