Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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