Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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