I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
