now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
