Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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