my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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