I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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