My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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