You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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