I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
