Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
