It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
