Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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