you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
