When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
