I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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