I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
im holly from the hills drunk
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize