Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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