I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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