Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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