He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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