I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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