On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
