I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
