my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
