I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
