I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
