She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sorry about my life...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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