just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize