the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
