Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
