It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
