I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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