I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
did i just pee glitter
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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