Michael Bay diarrhea
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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