You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
