Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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