You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize