Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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