Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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