I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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