You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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