you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
